Interesting Signs

Taken from "Eats, Shites & Leaves", by A. Parody


1. Open seven days a week and weekends.
2. Rare, out-of -print and non-existent books.
3. Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
4. Seasonal toilet rolls.
5. Now is the time to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
6. Same-day cleaning. All garments ready in 48 hours.
7. One-hour photos. Collect tomorrow.
8. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
9. Soft and genital bath tissues or facial tissues 89 cents.
10. Prize-winning sausages. Once tasted, you'll never want another.

Huh?

What does "guaranteed for life" mean? What does "lifetime warranty" mean? What is the lifetime of an object? Doesn't the lifetime end when the thing dies? Then that must mean it is guaranteed for the time it isn't dead. So what's the point?

Bonk

The word "bonk" is the sound you hear when your bumper bumps the other guy's bumper gently. "BONK" is the sound you are glad you didn't hear. The lesson learned here is: Do not allow a bottle of water to get wedged under your brake pedal and then expect the car to stop, even while going very slowly.

Hey, I'm Not Done Yet!

An interesting thing happened to me this morning. I really didn't feel like going to the grocery store but the sale on the Wisconsin Cheddar was about to expire and my husband really wanted some, so I went. To the store in a neighboring little town. Dragged myself into the store. I decided to get a few other things in anticipation of a lunch at the church later this week. I was contemplating the big red hothouse tomatoes, trying to figure out which one would be just perfect in two days. A woman spoke up and reminded me that the Roma tomatoes were on sale. We talked a little bit and she asked me what I would be using the huge tomato for. I said that I do a Bible study at a mental health care center and that, a few times a year, I have them over to the church for a lunch outing. She began to talk very softly and I leaned toward her and asked her to repeat what she had said. She was asking me to pray for her because she was going through a really hard time. I said okay and asked for her first name. I asked if she had a church home and she said yes. I told her I could pray with her right there if she wished, but she seemed to not want attention drawn to her so we didn't pray in the store. She thanked me and walked away. Coincidence? Chance meeting? I don't think so. Her name is Elyssa. She is probably in her 30s or 40s. I have no idea what her situation if but we don't need to know, do we........?

THINGS WE SAY TO OUR KIDS

1. I don't like your choice of friends.
2. It's not that I don't trust YOU...I don't trust OTHERS!
3. Were you born in a barn?
4. Because I said so!
5. Don't make me stop this car!
6. You're grounded for life!
7. Someday, when you're older, you'll understand!
8. One day you'll come home and I won't be here!
9. You'd better watch the tone of your voice, young lady (man)!
10.Over my dead body!

40 Random Things You Didn't Want to Know About Me

1. My uncle once: told me that if God wanted salt on a cantaloupe, he would have put it there.
2. Never in my life: Been on a moving plane
3. When I was five: I gave a sick kitten a bath and it died.
4. High School was: fun.
5. I will never forget: one special horseback ride.
6. I once met: Marty Robbins
7. There’s this girl I know who: could clean up for a date in five minutes.
8. Once, at a bar: we hung out because it was the only place in town with food.
9. By noon, I'm usually: awake.
10. Who knows what #10 is?
11. If only I had: an adobe house
12. Next time I go to church: I'll do the count.
13. Terry Schiavo: was murdered.
14. What worries me most: my children's futures
15. When I turn my head left, I see: a bulletin board.
16. When I turn my head right, I see: books, books and more books.
17. You know I’m lying when: I say something :)
18. What I miss most about the eighties: my age.
19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: a clown or something.
20. By this time next year: I will probably be doing the same old thing.
21. A better name for me would be: Perfecto.
22. I have a hard time understanding: how we are depleting air waves.
23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: study art or writing.
24. You know I like you if: I tease you sometimes.
25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: the person who did the work for me.
26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: crazy man, genius man, good ol' boy, and crybaby feminist.
27. Take my advice, never: vacuum your cat.
28. My ideal breakfast is: pancakes, eggs over easy, and bacon.
29. A song I love, but do not own is: Swing Low Sweet Chariot.
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Old Mission Deli
31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: beautiful, normal, weird, and fast.
32. Why won’t people: learn to obey the laws.
33. If you spend the night at my house: bring an allergy pill (cats)
34. I’d stop my wedding for: too late.
35. The world could do without: pants with crotch dragging between knees.
36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: be buried alive.
37. My favorite blond is: not.
38: Paper clips are more useful than: thong underwear.
39. If I do anything well, it’s: taking a nap.
40. And by the way: this is sort of dumb.

The Byways and the Highways

"I'm so tired...all my family and friends are gone and I'm all alone, I'm tired of being in constant pain. All I want to do is die and have some peace."

This statement can be heard in some variation any day at any nursing home in this country. Approximately 8% (my guess) of those over 65 years old are living in some type of institution, nursing home or health care center. For the majority of these people it will be their last address on this earth. Death and dying is a definite part of their daily existence; however, many welcome death as a release from the suffering and loneliness they are experiencing. Many believe that they deserve to go to Heaven because they are suffering, or simply because they are old. The thinking often is that "surely God wouldn't let me go to hell after all I've been through." There are those who have never heard the Gospel even though they have lived in this "Christian" nation for 80 years; there are those who have heard the Gospel most of their lives and have hardened their hearts; those who base their salvation on church membership, baptism, living a good life, even on being a member of a service club or secret society. They have all the same excuses any other segment of the populaation have, however, many have developed impairments which could hinder their ability to comprehend. Many have waited too long, many will not have that peace that they believe will come with dying.